Living with loss
“It was a beautiful, bright Sunday afternoon when my phone rang, I picked it up and a deep male voice on the other side requested me to be in the hospital as soon as I can. I couldn’t help but tremble. It was an ominous call that I never ever thought will come my way. I went straight to the hospital only to be told that my wife and daughter died in a deadly road crash. My world crumbled, I was crushed because this was untimely. It has been 15 years since their demise but the memories are still green. I stare at their pictures on the wall and I can’t help but wish for the impossible to happen; wishing for them to resurrect and come back to me. When I get to the bedroom I feel their presence because all their stuff is still intact.”
There is no perfect description for it, but it is cruel, heartbreaking, devastating, depressing and most of it all, life changing. Death does not prepare you and even if it does, you will not be prepared enough. It comes with feelings of sadness, anger, anxiety, confusion, despair, hopelessness and apathy. You will feel empty, lost. For a moment you will feel as if your life clock has stopped. It leaves a proverbial void that can never be filled.
In the process of grieving you experience a longing for the deceased person and wanting them to return to fill the emptiness created by their death. When you grieve sometimes you change how you see things. You develop a withdrawal desire. Death gives you a roller-coaster of emotions. One moment you are at peace and the next you are feeling miserable, unsettled, and just the thought that you will never ever see him/her again crushes and tears you apart.
Death is a complex mystery that we often fear and hate to talk about. But it is definite, unavoidable. In death, it may be easier to send than to receive a message of the passing on of your loved one. Sending and receiving a message of condolence is equally different. When you’ve lost someone you love, you’re in a dark, empty place. Though necessary, whatever people say as condolences hardly makes sense to you. Nothing anyone says is going to cheer you up because of the disbelief and a detailed review of your time with the deceased.
Almost everyone has lost a loved one and the deep sorrow that accompanies it is real. Reality checks when the body is lowered to the grave and then you realize for sure it wasn’t a dream. You will hear one say ‘I miss my mom, if she was here life could be different, if dad, if sister, if brother, if aunt, if uncle and so on.
The society doesn’t like talking about death in general because just the thought of it awakens goosebumps and uncertainty and fear. But in case of death, just be fair enough and know what to say, how, when and where.
Grief is universal, it is an inevitable part of life, it is a process and everyone’s process is different. There is no right or wrong time frame to experience grief. If you have to cry and grieve for one month or one year for healing please do. If you have to write it down on a notebook or notepad or online as a process of healing, do exactly that. If you have to write a song or poem about it, don’t hesitate. If you want to document it, go ahead. You are not a weakling. Just be patient and compassionate with yourself. Time heals.
